Becoming

For a long time I have loved this term, becoming. I have written a short story with said word as the title. I have realized this week why I love this word so much. I, for a long time, have built up walls. I know that is such a big surprise. With these walls, I have become numb and lost who I wanted, no needed to become. I took away the things that kept me grounded and replaced them with patterns of self-destruction. This week I started taking down these walls. I tire of caring what people think of me. I tire of not saying what I need to say. I want to speak my mind and be okay with that. Actually, I want to be wonderful with speaking my mind. I want to live my life and not be afraid of all of the life I have to live. I really think I can do that.
One would think, at 40, I would have become what I wanted. But, you see, I ran away from what I wanted. So now is the time for me to become. I am excited and scared all at the same time.  
Tomorrow, I embark on a new job. It should be an interesting job. I go to orientation and we shall see where things take me.
Things I am changing: Morning pages I will be writing those
                                 Watching less TV. I will put my stereo out so I can listen to music more.
                                 Movement every day, whether it is yoga, working out or dancing

Things I accomplished this week: I cleaned out from underneath our bed. It was the undertaking but I did it!
                                                  I found  a job!
                                                  I cleaned the back porch and painted the table.

Things I plan on accomplishing next week: Getting my dresser cleaned off and putting my stereo out
                                                                 Starting my new job!
                                                                  Becoming, well, at least continuing to become!

Saying goodbye

I remember swinging and wanting to go higher. I remember her pushing me, laughing as I encouraged her. I asked her pretty please so I could touch the sky. She was always so encouraging. She taught me, a 10 year old at the time by the way, my first Shakespeare soliloquy. I don't feel like she ever judged me. We made things together, her with her son and me with my mom, and it was magical. She ran my first D&D game, help me make my first character and it was magical. She made me Irish cough syrup, which was a concoction of rock candy, oranges, lemons and Irish whiskey, which was dizzying and a bit magical.   I would be writing forever with all the stories of her. She was a great woman.
I wanted her to be my mom sometimes. Even with her messy house with the upteen animals, in the chaos that was her life, I yearned to be a part of it. Every day. And then one day I grew up and left her behind. My wonderful Auntie Mame in real life. I thought about her every day, truly I did. She had so much to do with who I am today.
I did get to see her one last time. She was here playing canasta with her husband and my parents. The laughs and the jeers, the jabs and the yelling, it was like the old days. I told her some jokes and she laughed. I will miss that laugh and that giggle.
Momma Kay, I know you weren't perfect but I don't care. I love you and will always love you. Thank you for being there and being my friend. I am not going to say good bye. I will say I hope to see you sometime, in the wind or a flower. I miss you already
I could use some of that cough syrup right now. Can you send some down to me?

Moving on

So as of last Saturday I know longer have a job. I will not go into details. I am simply moving on. So what job to find for me, you might ask? I want to help people. I want to go  back to what I use to do, social work or daycare. I know scary, this gal forming the minds of the young, but I was good at it. Kids like me. Not sure why but they do. Looking for a job is difficult. I haven't truly done that in 8 years. I had a job for most of that time. It makes me doubt myself and my insecurities pop up. But I have to do this. To reach the dream I want, which is really quite simple. I want a place with my husband and my fur babies. A place of our own.
So step one is to find a job.
Something I want to do where we are living now, which is with my parents and brother, is to make it more of our home. I am doing that by cleaning up the back yard and creating a space for us there. Then I will be cleaning an organizing the room and putting more of our things out on the walls and such so it feels like our place. 
Moving on sometimes staying in one place but not being stagnant. I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

Lost and found

So I have been away from this blog for quite some time now. I was really far away from everything for quite some time now. It was easier to hide from everything, my failures, my successes, my friends and my family. Easier to lock myself up in a tiny little room, inside my head and my heart. I cut myself off from everything that I loved. Not sure why I decided to punish myself on such a heavy level  but I did. I had lost myself by doing what everyone close to me wanted me to do. Well not everyone. I ignored what I wanted.
So that is the lost part. Now let's get to the found part.
I feel like I am alive for the first time in a long time. My life isn't ideal, no one's is really. But I am seeing things with new eyes now. I no longer have a cushy job at chemical company. I work at a bar and do odd jobs for people to make ends meet. I have to say I am so much happier working at the bar than I ever was working my other job. I have started back on the road of spirituality. I won't get preachy on this blog. I do, however, feel lost without some sort of daily meditation. I am, also, moving more. Yoga and walking seem to get me more balanced. And let's not forget dancing. I have been drilling at least a few times a week and I am teaching a couple of friends at their house. I am embarking on learning middle eastern rhythms with the help of a good friend.
All in all, I feel like I am finding myself and it feels pretty good. I will be posting on here more often :)
That is a threat by the way.