An unfinished life

Toxic Thinking

2010-05-31T18:21:00.000-07:00

I am reading this diet book called The Goddess Diet by Anita Revel. It doesn't just talk about what to eat but how to re think things. Not a brainwashing program like some people may think. But as women we sabotage ourselves a lot. Here is an excerpt on toxic thinking.I will be the first to admit I am a huge toxic thinker. This is what I am working on currently:

Over thinking things is what gets me into a lot of predicaments. I just wanted to share what The Goddess Diet had to sat about what might show you are in the midst of toxic thinking.

Pondering life and soul matters can lead to self-improvement, but when that pondering turns into a noisy headache of nagging thoughts, it’s time to tone it down.

Are your thoughts toxic?
Can you accept help from others?
Do you often think, “why can’t I get going?”
Are you fiercely independent and proud of it?
Do your criticisms outweigh your compliments?
Is it easier to complain about something than fix it?
Are you afraid to let others see your vulnerable side?
Have you had a loss that you haven’t properly grieved?
Does an imperfection prevent you from success?
Do you rehash situations and wish they’d gone better?
Have you had a major life change that wasn’t given enough time to adjust?

If you answered ‘often’ or ‘always’ to most, you may be worrying about things than working on them.

Babies

2010-05-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

So I was told I don’t blog enough which I don’t so I thought perhaps I should. Confused, yet? Good! But really this is how some people catch up with me so I should post.

Things are going at a quick pace in my world. I am going to school to become a physical therapist, working part time, keeping a belly dance class going and trying to keep my home life together all at the same time. But I am enjoying every minute of it.

Over the past week, I have witnessed something. I will call it the “You can take my baby” syndrome. I don’t mean actual children when I am talking about this. I am talking about projects, hobbies, things, not children. Both situations the people don’t seem to have much of a life other than what their ‘baby’ is. I can empathize with this completely. A person can get so involved with something that it falls into every part of their life and fills holes thought never to be filled. So when the ‘baby’ is threatened with release, whether it is by the person who owns the baby or by another, these people hunker down, like a turtle in its shell. They lash out at odd times and take things extremely personally. I don’t really blame them in a way though. When you have something that is a part of your life and it is the very air you breathe, you do lash out. But when you are in the situation you don’t see the pain you cause or the harm you inflict. You just want your ‘baby’ to succeed. You burn bridges, you tell people that they don’t matter in your demeanor but it is all for the good of your ‘baby’.

I feel bad for these people that they don’t have enough in their lives for this not to happen. I should feel more pity than I do right? But I don’t because I was one of the people they have hurt. So now I have to watch them try to flounder and find life outside of the care of their ‘babies’.

I am focusing on my dancing and my home this summer. I also need to get in better shape since I plan on being a physical therapist. I am going to post my progress on here.

Now I am off to do yard work. Weeee

Fall

2009-10-14T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well it seems here in Springfield, we have gone from summer into early winter. No fall really. Just cold and damp. At least the leaves are starting to change. It makes me want to curl up with a good book and a cup of earl grey tea. Life seems too busy for that.
I am teaching at the local college one night a week, then doing private lesssons for a couple of people. Plus practice for the super secret thing. Work and then getting ready for school in January.
Now my husband is training in mixed martial arts, MMA for short. He is made for those kinds of things and seeing him do them constructively makes me very proud.
So, I have my first wedding under my belt. I loved doing it. It made me happy to see others happy.
Hips noir went well. I loved seeing the different dancers. I went outside of my confort zone and danced to something faster than before. I hope to post pictures soon.
I am off to eat my apple with caramel. I love fall! The leaves the smells. Time to get ready for the holidays! I know I should not speak of such things, but if I don't start now,no one will get anything for Yule!

New road

2009-09-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

So I am finally doing it. I am going back to school. I have decided I want to be a physical therapist.
I was having some physical therapy done and realized how much I would love to do it. I will start by getting my PTA degree and then work as a PTA until I get my PT degree.
Filling out apps and forms and such, it is a little daunting. But I so want to do this. I want a better life for myself.
I feel led to this. I hope that makes sense.

On other news: I have been diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. A lot of people freak when I tell them this, thinking that cysts are synonomous with cancer of the ovaries. This is a syndrome. I am not dying. I have insulin resistance which cause hormone changes, which causes cysts on my ovaries instead of ovulating. TMI? Too bad. I could tell you about the growing of hair in some places and the loosing of hair in other places, acne and a plethera of other things but I am sure you don't want to hear that too. The doc has put me on mentformin which is wonderful, that is a lie. I am nauseous constantly. Doc says things will level out soon. I am okay with a little nausea as long as I can be relatively normal.

We finished the Artist's Way. I planning on going through it again. I was busy moving at the time to get the full affect. I do recommend it. It opens a lot of doors that one would think were closed forever.

Our house is great! I love it. Room to move and dance and love! It is the gate for our new life. And now we are back full circle.
I have a lot of hope right now.

A new home

2009-08-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

"So we have officially moved. The animals are here now and they seem to be enjoying it. Thing 1 and Thing 2 (my dogs) love the front yard. We have to defoliate the back yard. I saw we I mean Kevin and any volunteers because I am very allregic to poison ivy, which is back there.
Of course things are still in boxes. But it is home, really home.
Sometimes late at night, it is too still and quiet. The back room is not overly friendly, but we can fix that. The animals don't even like it back there. Nothing to worry about though.
I love having our own washer and dryer. Don't have to wait on someone else's loads.
I have my own room, to dance, sew and create in! How great is that?!?!? I haven't had that in a long time. I will post pictures soon.
It is our home. And although there will be adjustment time I love it!"

Love

2009-07-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

I have noticed a lot of things lately. A lot of things. It is like my brain is over full. And I love it. I am working and finishing a lot of my projects.
The belly dance class is going well. So I am going to continue to teach on Tuesdays at 6. Teaching has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I am learning as I teach. Another thing I love!
We are moving in 3 weeks. It has been so long. And I have been very patient. I look forward to all the freedom we will have and the chance to make our own home. Yet another thing I love!
The Artist's Way....holy cow Batman! It is opening my eyes, my heart, my brain. It makes me realize what I can truly accomplish.
My body is not so happy lately. I am active and it is resisting. I will not give up though. I refuse to be like my family before me. I will not give in to the pain. I will win this.
I love my husband for supporting me through all of this and helping to keep my spirits up when I feel completely overwhelmed.
The last thing I am starting to love. Notice I said starting is myself. I deserve a new home, a healthier body, to expand my artistic side. I love me. Quirky, talky, funny, pretty, sexy, curvy, smart me.
How about that!?!?

Xrays

2009-06-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

So I got the results back on my xrays. I do have the early stages of arthitis in my hips, pelvis and lower lumbar.
My mother went on and on about heredity. And how her grandmother was inmobile by the age of 55 and her father was on crutches because of the arthritis in his back.
Well I say screw heredity. I am not my mother and I will not go down without a fight. I think the xrays lied. I don't have arthritis. I refuse.
So I am taking the steps to take better care of myself. Walking everyday, even if it is for 10 mintues. I am moving. Stretches and dancing. Glucosamine and MSM. I will not loose this battle.
So there :P

Quantify

2009-06-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am working my way through the Artist's Way with a few lovely, intelligent ladies. We meet once a week to see how we are doing, a support group of sorts.
I was thinking about our last meeting and I realized that we quantified a lot of what we said to each other. We would say things like I know this is going to sound silly or funny or mushy or whatever. It was like we were making excuses for our words. Why? Have we kept our mouths shut for a long time that we have to excuse our thoughts before they are spoken? Our dreams have been dormant for so long that to speak of them out loud seems almost like blasphemy. Our souls have been crushed since we can remember so we hide what matters to us.
Our group isn't the only ones that do it. I noticed my co-workers were doing it also, today.
So I am trying to figure out why. Are we afraid we are being offensive? It doesn't stop us from yelling random obscenities at the offending driver that cut us off. Why can't we tell our friends how we feel, without excuse or apology?
Just a thought.

Long time

2009-06-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long time since I have written here. I didn't really want to for whatever reason.
I started the Artist's Way with a group of great ladies. We all bring something different to the table and it makes the experience of it all even better!
I am teaching belly dance and I love it! I want to give the people who are taking my class the best time ever! I know I might sound a little too excited but I can't help it.
I have other good news. I don't have arthitis or fibromyalgia. I have been having a lot of pain lately and it was worrying me. So I went to the doctor. And although I am having pain it has nothing to do with my family history and everything to do with being overweight and out of shape. So basically I have the fatness. Something I can deal with.
So I am very motivated in so many ways. I will write more soon. Must go to sleep so I can get up and exercise in the morning.

Starting

2009-05-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

Okay Starting June 9, I will be teaching a 6 week class focusing on arm and hand movements.
Here is the info: Arms in Dance taught by Ananya
Date: June 9 for 6 weeks
Time: 6 to 7 p.m.
In this class, we will learn abotu the different types of hand/arm movements and postitions, for ballet to flamenco and how you can incorporate them in your dance. We will learn strenghtening exercises and perform drills.
Please bring a towel for stretches.

It is $10 per drop in class or $55 for the entire 6 week course. I also can offer private sessions.

Class and other things

2009-05-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

So I am finally doing it. No I am not having a baby. Although our kids would be goreous and smart, it just isn't in the cards. What I am doing is teaching a class on how I use my arms in dance. I am really excited about this! We will go over stretching and strengthening exercises, plus arm and hand movements throughout dance.
People are always asking me how I do it and I typically say I don't know. Now I am sitting down and trying to get it out on paper so I can explain and teach it to other people.
Moving to our new house is coming closer and closer! This is something else to be excited about! A home of our own!
Things are looking up! Really looking up!

So many things....

2009-04-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

So my dad is doing great. He is home already. He kind of looks like Frankenstein but he is okay with that. He likes the alternative look. There seems to be a peace on the house. The chaos for now has subsided.
I started taking the Ambien despite my fears. I don't want to sleep walk, eat or whatever else. I haven't had those problems though and having a full night sleep is definitely worth it. I feel so much better already. More energy and less depression. We shall see how things go.

I have a workshop this weekend. Princess Farhana. I so wanted to take the burlesque class, but the funds are not there. But I will be there all day Saturday and it will be awesome! I am so excited.
I am performing at a friend's birthday party and I am a little nervous. Club settings make me that way. I am not a sknniy minnie by any stretch of the imagination but I can dance. I just don't want to get heckled. Well if that happens I will have enough friends in the audience that will kick their arses.
Other things that are happening. I am an ordained minister now. I can perform weddings and the like.
And I have a party gig. It is a bachelorette party. They want a demo and then a class. I think it will be a blast!
Back to work I go.

Singing

2009-04-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

Today in the car, Kevin started singing. I remembered when we were first together and he would hold me and sing to me, my ear to his chest. It felt like home and safe. It always has. He would sing to me in the shower, while we were in cuddling, in the car. He still does. His voice soothes me.
Some people don't understand why I am with him. His bravado and tough, mean mask keeps people at arms reach. Some would call him an asshole and he can be don't get me wrong. But believe me when I say he is really a gentle soul. He loves animals and even some people. He makes me laugh all the time. Bottom line is I love him with all of me. I am happy with him.

We measured the house yesterday. I took some pictures too. It will help when shopping for furniture etc. I found an awesome deal on some curtains. I spent $4.25 and got 12 yards of white sheer, 2 camel colored sheer panels, 2 tab top white curtains and a window scarf that is yellow gold with spiral embroidery. Not too bad at all.

Tuesday is my dad's operation. Basically they are opening his head and taking out the growth that is behind his eye. It will be an 8 hour surgery. Worst case scenario is that he could loose his eyesight in that eye. But that is not going to happen. I have deemed it so.

I will keep you up to date.

Coming together

2009-04-16T20:52:00.001-07:00

So I just want to say that I am glad things in parts of my life are coming together. I feel like I can finally settle things and let other things go. It feels good.

I will be performing in a few weeks at the Princess Farhana workshop and then I will performing at a friends birthday party. I am looking forward to both actually.

I am very thankful for my life despite the shoulder thing and the family issues. These things I will over come!

Pitbull

2009-04-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

No my pitbull does not wear lipstick. She would eat it though. I have to register her every year, so I don't loose her to the city. I think it is silly. But some people who thought it would be cool to make their dogs vicious have ruined it for the rest of us. So this is my legal pitbull and the babies she likes to sleep with.

Pardon my sleepy husband. I am sure he would be thrilled I posted this.

Old time injuries

2009-04-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

So due to some old time injuries. I would say they were football injuries but that would be a lie. I get a cortizone shot in my shoulder on Tuesday. For those of you who know me this a long time coming, I have been putting off this because I feel that at 36 I am too young for the shot.
Now for the better news, if the shot does not work then I get to explore the option of surgery. Which I cannot get done until next year, because I don't have any time to do that this year.
I really think the shot will help my shoulder.
It is hard right now not to do arm work while I dance. But I have to baby that shoulder. I guess this is an opportunity to work on the areas I have problems with.

Finished tasks

2009-03-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

I call them finished tasks, but none of them are tasks. My friends Lu and Jason got married 10 days ago. Here they are to the left.

I finished my dress. I think I look pretty good in it. The pattern is Vogue 2810. Pretty easy to use actually. This is me and my loving hubby, Kevin. Don't we look twitterpated?

I made another Oddling. This time I got paid for it. Here he is. Oddlings are little stuffed animals I made for some of my friends this past Christmas because I didn't have a whole lot of money. They were a big hit. I just yes scrap cloth I have left over from various projects. I have bunches of buttons and embroidery thread. This one I call Toothulu. It kinda looks like a tooth combined with Cthulu. I am making my husband a green velvet Cthulu. I should have it finished soon. I will post pics when I do.

So I am completing things. Now to make the time to practice dancing more. I never seem to make that time for me. I need to though. For my sanity.

End of July beginning of August, we will have a home of our own. Come hell or high water. It will be tough, but we are going to do it. I am so excited for it!

Dance video

2009-03-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

Okay I finally posted my Visioncon video on Youtube. It is kind of grainy. Here it is. I know I need to tweak it. I will have it more polished by the Princess Farhana workshop in Buffalo.

Children of all ages

2009-02-25T18:06:00.000-08:00

I love the circus. Always have. I wanted to be the girl on the flying trapeze. I wanted to run away and join the circus. (I also cheered every time my mom told me she was going to sell me the gypsies, but that is another story.) I love watching anything aerial at the circus.
So what got me on this subject. I found a new online magazine. Here is the link: http://www.bigtopmagazine.com/

Check it out! I love it!

Metal

2009-02-22T19:14:00.001-08:00

On my brother's entertaiment center sits a piece of rusted metal. Most wouldn't notice it, others may even try to throw it away, but to my brother it means so much more. In that piece of wadded up metal tells a story of how he and several other soldiers almost lost their lives due to an IED on a road in Iraq. I can't imagine what that must have been like that, the noise, the smoke, the chaos. I know he helped with a hum-v, the casualty in the vehicle did not make it, he helped remove the body. It affected him on many levels, especially since this soldier, shared the same rank, position in the vehicle. even last names. Again I can't imagine.
My brother is a third generation soldier. My father is a Vietnam veteran, and my grandfather is a Korean veteran. My father never wanted the Army life for his children. He never wanted us to go through what he did.
But my brother went to Ground Zero after September 11th and felt compelled to join the Army, just as my father felt compelled to do so many years ago. They both thought they were doing the right thing, not knowing or not caring what it might do to them, what they were sacrificing or how long their sacrifice would last.
My father still has nightmares. My brother's have just begun. They did what they thought what was right. Their souls are now shattered because of the things they had to do. They are the walking wounded, ghosts flying about, the boogey man around the next corner. All we can do is be there and try to understand. All we can do is be there and try to understand.
Think about that the next time someone tells you that war is the right thing to do. Think about the piece of folded up blasted rusted metal that sits on my brother's entertainment center.

Snuggie

2009-02-18T18:26:00.000-08:00

I just saw the commercial for Snuggie. Now snuggies to me have something to do with the junior high prank the wedgie which involves underwear being pulled into crevices until pain occurs.
But this Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves. It looks like a choir robe to me. And in varying colors, light blue, navy blue and red.
I think that the Snuggie is actually cult wear for the future. Gone is the track suit and velcro shoes. Newbies would wear the light blue and then graduate from there. The only question is are you ready for the red robe?
Watch the commercial and tell me what you think. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xZp-GLMMJ0

Scattered

2009-02-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

I know things on my blog are scattered. That is my mind set right now. There is so much going on right now.
Two weddings, yes I said two. There certain things that one needs to do. Besides the relief in the second bride's face was worth it, at least for now. I have to make my dress for the first wedding. I have everything cut out, I just need to put it together. Haha I sew and curses fly out of my mouth. I should record it some time so you can see. The second wedding needs a lot of help in the planning stage. I am willing to help her. I am a sucker at times. It makes things difficult, but I love to see others happy, even if it means sacrificing myself. I know, stupid girl you come first. Years of training take some undoing.
I really want to loose weight. I need to loose weight. My body suffers everyday because of the extra weight is hauls around, my breathing labors because of it. The pain I experience in every moment of the day is due at least partially to my weight. And a vey broken part of me must think I deserve it because I keep eating and eating, not exercising. I did start taking Alli and that seems to be doing something. So I have at least taken the first step.
My job is in a state of constant flux. I work for a chemical company that also sells fiberglass products. Our profits have been falling. Whose aren't? They just let one of my coworkers go on Monday. I got serious flash backs. I have worked for 2 other companies that went out of business. I watched people go and then before I knew the doors were closed. Not sure what I will do if that happens. I guess I will burn that bridge when I come to it.
We got a new car. 2003 red impala. She is pretty. I love her. At the end of July, we are moving to a home of our, something we have never had. There has always been roomates or family. I don't want to loose this opportunity.
Then there is my dancing. Not last on my list, but it is. Only because the other things keep jumping in front of it. When I dance, I love it. Even if I am just chair dancing. I feel graceful and beautiful. Well not all the time, sometimes I feel goofy and silly, but I mean to feel that way.
And somehow through all these things I must peace. Not sure how to go about it. I know it come from within but my in is too scattered. Silly viscious circle.

Grocery shopping

2009-02-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today is my mother's birthday. I decided to go get her some flowers, she loves flowers and as I was shopping at the grocery store I realized how many stories are there. I got coffee, can't help but get it. And a young man, with down syndrome, tells his mother that he wants to order coffee for Sissy. With guidance from his mother, he orders a skinny vanilla latte, pays for it and carefully gets the change back. The baristas were so patient and kind, two things I don't always expect to see in people these days. He was so proud to do something on his own and beaming couldn't begin to describe what he was doing.
Then there was this older couple, both in long dark coats, looked like they had come from church. She had a cane. They walked slowly, deliberately. I realized that under the woman's hat there wasn't a lot of hair. Cancer and it's treatment had cut it for her. But she wasn't a victim, she was a survivor. Her stance, her walk strong able to defeat anything.

Those were jusst two of the stories I saw. There are so many more.

On another note, we went to see a house today. It is small but it will work for the two of us, so much potential. We will make it work. We will be moving at the end of July, beginning of August. I am so excited.

Getting over it

2009-02-13T18:37:00.000-08:00

So I saw some people tonight that I didn't really want to see, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. Our circles run too close. Some of the reactions, not mine, were a little over the top. One would think after 13 years that things could be let go, but I guess not. I was angry because it was so high school and why poeple couldn't understand that that was a different time and things were done/said that were in that moment and cannot be changed now. For the hate and anger to still be so fresh took me by suprise. And that was when I realized some people just can't get over it. What ever that it might be.
And that made me think that the next step in becoming the best I can be is letting go and getting over it. Those things in my past might be the very things that are standing in my way now. So I have to step away from what I once was in order to become what I want to be.

The economy

2009-02-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

So everyone is afraid of what is going on in the economy. And I am scared too, don't get me wrong. I watch my customers order less and then die away and it is very hard.
I felt panicked yesterday because we just bought a car. What would we do if one of us lost their job? I woke up this morning realizing we would deal with it. Like we have with everything else in our life, we will deal and move on.
Everything happens for a reason. Cliche I know. I think what is happening in the country today is to teach us that we need to value other things. We are ever so consumed with what money can buy us, the next big thing. We don't value ourselves or those around us anymore.
Maybe it is time to re-evaluate what I find important. The things I buy don't make me happy. I make me happy. Or at least I have that potential.
So cuddle your loved one, take a walk and say hi to your neighbors, dance naked in your living room, enjoy what you have. At least some of those things are free.

Think about it

2009-02-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

I saw this in my email today. It made me think.

To everyone of us there must come a time when the whole universe will be found to have been a dream, when we find the soul is infinitely better than the surroundings. It is only a question of time, and time is nothing in the infinite.-Sai Baba

It made me think about how I am trying to change enverything on the outside and that isn't going to help what is going on the inside. It is time to spackle the cracks of my soul. Even though they make me me. I need to heal so I can become the best person I can be.

Shakespeare Sister

2009-02-03T10:53:00.000-08:00

So Kevin and I went fleamarketing on Sunday. I was so excited to see a CD by Shakespeare Sister. I was even more excited to see that it had my favorite song on there. It's called Stay.
Check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pC3VJA_CB8
I got a really good Dvd this weekend also called Underbelly, it follows Princess Farhana around for a year. It has very good interviews and dance sequences. If you are into belly dance you should check that out too. http://www.princessfarhana.com/

So

2009-01-29T17:41:00.000-08:00

So there are so many things I want to accomplish so many things I want to finish. But I am lost as to where to start.

I want to loose weight. I know a very common thing to want. But I can't seem to get the motivation to do so. It is easier to lie in bed and watch tv than to exercise or even do one of the things I love the most, dance.

A part of me wants to do it. But something stands in my way. What is standing in my way?